The List of Thanatos

Hi,

I write because it can be either a cathartic release or an escape for me. This time it would seem to be both. I’m not sure if this is the place to put this but I desperately need to write at the moment. I woke up at 2:37 this morning to a heart wrenching howl from the only one left alive who has been through the last 14 years of my pain. When I turned on the bedside table lamp, fear grabbed me by the throat and dug its paralyzing claws in as I saw Paco lying in his bed on the floor next to me and blood splattered across the wall in a line from his face. I knew it was coming but had ignored it in my attempt to make the best of the time we had left together. At least I think it was that and not denial because I was aware when I would hold and rock and sing to him that I would remember these moments with love and longing someday soon.

I created a blog because I have read repeatedly that authors have to have one. I don’t know what to write here about. I didn’t think anyone would read it. Kinda like my books so far. ~painful smile~ I was stunned to see that 40 people had read my first post before this one and was mortified that I had started with basically piss drivel! But, I am stubborn! I NEED to write, so it doesn’t matter if anyone reads it or not. It doesn’t matter if it’s touted a waste of good paper like my first book on Amazon. LOL

Nothing breaks me… NOTHING! Almost time to start work today. I’m at my desk, giving my best smile. I guess I will continue this tonight after I have taken Paco to his transition. Death has been around in my life so long and so often; it’s like seeing a hated brother at Thanksgiving.  It’s 10:22am. The vet apt. is at 7pm. I should have stayed home but every moment would have been torture. At least this way watching clock hands turn into scythes in my head as they make their slow, constant swing is the worst it will get. At least…  so far.

My dogs have kept me from committing suicide twice since Dakota died. Dakota made me promise I would always take care of them. I guess he feared they would become a sad reminder of him for me. I don’t know but that promise kept me from doing it when I wanted to badly because I had to take care of them regardless of how unhappy I felt. Yes, I have had severe bouts of depression all my life. I won’t have my promise to hold me back next time. It’s scary, even though my life is so much better now. I won’t have my boys. My pack! The only ones that ever let me lead without reservation. I will miss that so very desperately. They were a true treasure to me. 12:32 – It’s getting difficult to keep it together here at work.

Each year I write the list in sand by myself.  It’s my way of paying respect by taking a special moment in time each year to remember them. I only write first names or nicknames to protect identities. There are many and I have memory issues, so I hope I can be forgiven if I ever forget a name. This will be the first time I’ve known the next name for certain. This is my life’s List of Thanatos in no particular order:

Paco

Dakota

Cujo

Kathy

Leo

Chazz

Tom

Granny

Big Daddy

Eileen

Cotton

Sweety

Great Gramma

Lila

Bob

Dovie

Earl

Gloria

Eddie

Tempee

Claude

Ronny

Mike

Alphie

Joey

Spice

Britney

David

Charlie

Bob

Birdy

General

I think I’ll finish this post here. The rest of this day and forward will be taken as much of my life has been – 

I will endure!